Our Situation

So, kitten and I have both skirted around the issue of our current situation and how we need to be secretive, but we never actually explained what our situation is. This post will describe our history a little bit and why we need to be secretive for now.

I am a soldier in the Army, and so is kitten. We both got stationed in the same place, and put in the same team. I was her squad leader and immediate supervisor when she came to the team. I was also married. She was very attractive, and she had a silliness about her that I loved. However, since it is against regulations (not to mention extremely unprofessional) to not only have a relationship with one of your subordinates but also have an affair, I had to remain strictly platonic with kitten. The Army is very unique in that manner - it is the only secular organization I know of that outlaws infidelity, which I think is very admirable. I had no intention of cheating on my wife, no matter how cute kitten was. From about March 2007 until September 2007, we were all just getting ready for deployment to Iraq. Whenever I wasn't at work, I was at home with my wife, so kitten and I never really saw each other. When we got deployed, however, that was a different story. We lived together.

Currently, we live in a small Combat Outpost in Baghdad, Iraq. It is a shopping mall that was used as a headquarters by insurgents until Americans took it from them in early 2007. It has 4 stories, with a big atrium in the middle that goes from the 1st floor all the way to the roof. However, the roof of the atrium is covered with a cheap plastic tarp, so when there is a dust storm outside, there is a dust storm inside too. Also, the hot air exhaust fans from the air conditioners in the living areas are all routed into the atrium, so in the summer it gets extremely hot in there. The walls are made of plywood, our power goes out for hours on end, and hot water in the winter is a rarity. We have lived in this small building since November 2007. We are on call 24/7 with no real days off. There is no time where we can sit and relax knowing we will not have to go on a mission or interrogate some detainees (part of our job involves interrogations). It's extremely stressful, but we have a lot of fun in between to counterbalance it all. It has been a very interesting experience, and one I would not trade for the world. 

I live in a room with 3 other members of our team, and I live next to our office. kitten lives in an adjoining room on the other side of the office with the other 10 members of our team and our interpreter. Being a female, she gets a small room with the other female on our team. We get pretty much no privacy, and we have to be accounted for at all times in case a mission comes up and we need to leave in the next 10 minutes. It's very difficult to get away and be alone.

So, now that I have explained our living conditions a little, let me go back to the story of how we got together. As I stated earlier, I was married when I first met kitten, and when we first deployed. kitten was my subordinate when we first got here, but the team organization changed around and she now works for someone else on the team. Shortly after getting to our current location, I discovered the "lifestyle" and realized that all my relationships could have been considered D/s relationships although none were formally recognized as such. My marriage was very much a D/s relationship, but it lacked the communication and trust required in such a relationship. As I tried to get closer to my wife, I found myself becoming attracted to kitten, so I purposely started teasing her, making fun of her, pushing her away from me in any way I could think of in order to prevent any feelings from starting. I wanted to focus on my wife and my wife only. 

Well, after our 3 year anniversary, my wife informed me she was filing for divorce. It was a pretty big shock to me, considering she and her family were my whole life. We had just purchased an English Bulldog puppy while on R&R in order to breed it when I got out of the Army. We were looking at houses. We were discussing the future. Then, in a moment, my wife, my life, and my future were gone. I had to start from scratch. The only person on the team who was familiar with divorce proceedings was...go figure...kitten. I talked to her about it, and we started talking online. I was keeping my divorce a secret from the team, so kitten and I got a lot closer. 

Now that I was released from my bonds to my wife, I stopped hiding my attraction to kitten from myself and from her. I eventually told her how I felt about her, and we started dating. I told her a little about me and my exwife's adventures in the D/s realm, and she started researching it on her own. We eventually, after a few weeks, decided to try it. I became her Sahib (Arabic for Owner) and she became my kitten. She speaks Arabic, so it has a special meaning for us. On 8 October 2008, I collared kitten and made her my slave, or 'Abd in Arabic. Eventually, she will have 'Abd tattooed on her (in Arabic writing, not the English transliteration). 

We have to keep everything a secret until we get home because there can still be issues if someone feels that it is a conflict of interest to have us both on the same team and dating. So, we are stuck talking mostly online, even though we live 50 meters from each other. When we do get to be alone, it's usually just a quickie to release the growing sexual tension. We have 52 more days until we go home, and each day feels like it gets longer and longer. But, we will go home someday, and kitten and I will have a "normal" M/s relationship for once. I am very excited, and I know she is too. 

This post was long overdue, and I apologize for any confusion that may have been created due to its absence. I hope this clears some things up.

Resolution

I'm not sure why, but I just didn't feel right until I punished her. 

Due to our current situation, we couldn't discuss what happened until later. I didn't sleep well Sunday night; I kept tossing and turning, which is very unlike me. I woke up early, and I just felt grumpy. I was a terrible concoction of dark, tumultuous emotions - Anger, Frustration, Confusion, and a little bit of emotional Pain. By flat out telling me no, she had betrayed my trust, as she accurately described in her blog. I read her blog, which was basically an apology, and I set about figuring out an appropriate punishment. I don't like punishing kitten; she rarely needs it. Usually a harsh word or a lack of tenderness from my end will put her off-balance enough to realize that what she did was to be taken seriously, and she corrects it on her own. That's one thing I love about her. she's not a "high-maintenance" slave. she wants to do it, so I don't have to spend all my time pushing her to do what she's supposed to do. her motivations are pure, and they are simply to ensure that I am happy.

The last time I punished kitten, I put a lot on her plate, and she faltered. This time I wanted to make sure the punishment was focused on what she did wrong and not on "how am i going to be able to do all this AND do my work?" So, I set about figuring out exactly what she did that I had issues with that needed to be corrected. Basically, it came down to two things: disrespect and disobedience. Thus, this required two punishments. 

kitten has a little problem sometimes - she has a tendency to speak before she has thought out what she is about to say and what the ramifications of that statement may be...hence, her complete and utter disrespect on several occasions. To remedy this, I enacted a rule that she must wait 10 seconds before speaking to anyone. During that 10 seconds, she should have plenty of time to think about what she's going to say, and whether it's worth saying or if it will get her in trouble. This is a little harder than it may seem, because our relationship and dynamic are a secret for now (out of necessity...I'll explain our situation a little better in my next post) so she needs to have a decent explanation for acting so strangely around everyone else.

In order to tackle the disobedience, I wanted her to think about why obedience is necessary in a M/s relationship, unlike a vanilla relationship. Thus, in order to get her to think about it and the detrimental effects of not having obedience, I made her write a comparative essay and post it on her blog. she had until midnight to finish it, and she finished it with a few hours to spare. 

Overall, I am very pleased with how the punishment turned out, and the effect this whole situation had on her demeanor. she is much more submissive now than she ever was. I am not sure if that's a temporary effect (I'm afraid it might be), or if it's a permanent change in her attitude. Either way, she was pushed a little further toward being completely devoted to me. I know she still holds back, but we're working on it. 

Out of control

It's amazing how fast things can start to spiral out of control. One minute everything is fine; the next minute things are going crazy and one thing feeds off another and soon it's all crashed down around you. 

I have been trying to take things slowly with kitten, due to her inexperience with the lifestyle and her trust issues. Any time I introduce something new, she has a negative knee-jerk reaction that sets her back a little. Eventually she gets over it, but I don't want to overload her all at once. That being said, I decided to ask her for her email password today. I didn't sugar coat it; I didn't ask nicely. I simply said, "What's your email password?" For some reason, she gave me the wrong password. Then, she asked me why I wanted to know. Then, asked if I was logging into her account. She realized that she had given me the wrong one, or at least she thought she did. So, she told me what else the password could be instead of just figuring out the information I originally asked her for and giving it to me. I had to tell her to find out the correct information and give it to me. I guess she wanted me to go try and figure it out myself. 

Now, at this point, I was already a little irritated for a few reasons:

1) she questioned my motives.

2) she gave me the wrong answer, and when she discovered it might not be the right answer, she left it to me to figure it out.

3) She asked me whether I was using the password to log into her account.

From here, she decided to compare us to some vanilla couple that we know that is completely fucked up. They have serious issues, and she demanded his password, not because they're in a D/s or M/s relationship, but because she is afraid he's cheating on her and is too insecure to just trust him. I had no intention of looking in her account, and the only reason I did was to invade her space a little. Her knee-jerk response was expected, but not that much. She was curious as to whether I would trust her enough to give her my password if she asked.  

So, the downward spiral continued. She seemed to be forgetting her place, and she was getting extremely disrespectful. I told her to change her password to something else...that I didn't want it anymore. She flat out said, "I am not changing it." I told her to change it again, and she patronized me.  I then told her to go get dinner so she could cool off and I could figure the situation out, and she instead came in to my room and sat on my bed. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this, but it definitely needs to be addressed. More to follow.

What are you thinking...?

So, kitten has this thing she does when she's out of things to talk about but feels like she needs something to fill the space. She asks, both in person and online, "What are you thinking?" It sometimes can be replaced, preceded by, or followed by its cousin, "What are you doing?" Now, don't get me wrong, I will ask her on occasion what she's thinking as well, but generally, I do it when there's a situation in which I need to know what she's thinking. Possibly I just doled out a tough punishment and I want to see her inner reaction. Or, maybe I'm trying to push her a little on her old limits and I want to make sure I am not pushing to far. There are plenty of other times where it is appropriate to ask that question, but she finds absolutely none of these times to ask it. 

Not only is it completely obvious that these are trivial questions, but most of the time I'm just not thinking anything. I am a Buddhist, and through my training and meditation, I aspire to clear my head of all the random clutter we tend to let float around our heads all day. So, at any given time, I may have about 0-2 thoughts running in my head. Some aren't even coherent thoughts yet, and some are just daydreams. Some, oddly enough, are just little games I have played in my head since I was little to keep myself occupied during hours and hours of silence and loneliness. This is not to say that I am lonely with kitten, far from it. I just find myself playing these games out of habit. Anyway, I really just don't have much to say about my thoughts, even if she's legitimately curious. 

I told her last night that she needs to tone down how much she asks that question, so I have a feeling she won't ask me at all. That's not what I want at all. I still want her to be able to ask me what I'm thinking, but I want her to be more selective when she does ask. I want her to have a reason to ask other than as just filler. 

So, kitten...What are you thinking?

Through Me...

kitten is doing very well taking her first few steps into being my slave. she responds well to most things with a little coaxing, and with some she doesn't need any coaxing at all. she really is a very good girl. However, she is starting to show a distinct fear of losing her identity to kitten. As things progress, she makes comments here and there about not wanting to lose the chance to be "K" (as we'll call her for anonymity's sake) instead of kitten. These are very evident when I have her write to me in the third person. I find that it brings out the very submissive kitten in her. I have very distinct reasons for everything I do with her, even though I rarely clue her in to what they are. Things are going very well, but she seems to be hitting a little snag with her realization that "K" and kitten are one person, not two. she is not schizophrenic; she is not having bouts of multiple personality disorder. she is, no matter what name she chooses to call the mask she wears at the time, the same person underneath. Sometimes it's more appropriate to act like "K" (such as in public, when I allow it), and sometimes it's more appropriate to act like kitten; however, those are still just two masks worn by the same person. 

Some people have more than two masks. Some have a different mask depending on whom they are with at the time. So, I don't think it's abnormal to have two masks. In fact, it's narrowing things down from multiple masks and making things less complicated. Ultimately, I would like her to whittle it down to a mixture of the two. she can take the good from both and combine them into one, while leaving the unnecessary parts behind. Perhaps along the way, she will realize that she doesn't need support and strength from "K" anymore. I hope she will realize that the things she got from being "K" (independence, self-sufficiency, strength) she can draw from me. If she needs the things she got from being "K" or "Slutty K" (self-assurance, confidence) or any other mask she wore in the past, she can get them through me. Through me she can be strong, secure, slutty, safe, sane, healthy, silly, loved, giddy, submissive, and most important...happy. Through me...

Doormat

I think I need to take a few minutes to define the term "doormat" the way I see it. There seems to be two definitions floating around out there:

1. A slave/submissive that completely devotes herself to her Master/Dominant, sacrificing her own desires and sometimes changing herself to mold herself into what her Master/Dominant requires of her.

2. A slave/submissive that has lost all personality in the process. When in a discussion, they readily cede, without giving any kind of input or putting up any kind of fight. They sound like Igor, saying "yes, Master" to everything. 

There is a huge difference between 1 and 2. 1 is NOT a doormat. 1 is simply a slave that loves her Master and wants to please him. 2 is the real doormat. There is definitely a time when the slave needs to just accept her fate, and say "yes, Master," but there are plenty of times when a slave's input is desired and sometimes needed. Masters can't make decisions without knowing what's in the best interest of the slave. If the slave doesn't express her thoughts, feelings, desires, etc, how can the Master really claim to know his slave? How, then, can he make decisions that are best for the slave?

Basically, the doormat gives in all the time and buckles under any resistance from her Master. The non-doormat still retains her spunk, her identity, her inner fire, but knows when it's time to be respectful. It may be a fine art determining when to do be respectful and when to be feisty, but who said being a slave was easy?

3rd person

I have been reading forums and articles and blogs by slaves and submissives for about 8 months. One thing that I've found is completely unique to D/s and M/s relationships is that some submissives/slaves talk in the third person. The first time I read this, I was in shock. "Seriously? Why? How retarded is that?" Those were just a few select thoughts from my initial reaction. It made those women seem like the dreaded "D" word (doormat) that seems to get thrown at any slave that devotes themselves entirely to their Master.  It seems like a very submissive act, which turns me on immensely, but it just never quite appealed to me for some reason.

When kitten and I first discussed this topic, I laughed at it and told her that I couldn't see myself wanting her to do it. She of course was great and said she would do it if it pleased her Sahib. I had no doubt she would do it for me if I asked, but I thought it was ridiculous. Reading other people doing it, I saw them using words like "this one" and "property" and "slave" or something similarly generic to refer to themselves in the third person. These names contribute to the doormat feeling because it basically strips the slave of her identity. She is just a nameless being built to serve her Master. That's a real doormat to me, not the slaves that devote themselves completely. Anyway, I had kitten write a blog entry in the third person, to see what I thought about it...and I am hooked. It is very submissive, but she still retains her identity since she still has a name. She is kitten, not "this one" or "property" or just "slave." This tiny factor makes all the difference to me. It turns it from sounding like a mindless robot to a sexy little slave who knows her place and wants to serve her Master, but still maintains her cute, adorable, sometimes feisty personality. She has been told to use it in conversation now, not just her blog, until I tell her she can speak in the 1st person again. I know she'll do it, but I'm not sure whether or not she completely hates it and is just doing it to please me, or if she kinda likes it a little, or what. We'll see. :)

Collared her

So, yesterday morning we had a long talk about whether or not we were ready to take our relationship to the next level. No...not marriage, though we did skirt that issue once or twice. We talked about whether or not she could handle being my "slave" (neither of us really likes the terms Master and slave). Her argument at first was that we need to be married before she could give all of herself to me and become my slave. I thought (and still do) that she was born for this. She's really a natural, as long as she is in an environment that will help her grow and thrive. Anyway, after discussing it for about an hour or so, she told me that when I thought we were ready, I should take her as my slave. She said she could do it now without being married first. 

Now, immediately I was excited. I knew we were ready for that commitment to each other. I just wanted her to say it to me first. I wanted her to admit it to herself. We went to breakfast and had a nice meal and a great conversation. After, we went to the office, and I told her to get a length of the thin rope we have here, and tie it around her waist with a loop on each end. I sent her downstairs with the instructions to wait for me while I went to the bathroom. When she left, I grabbed a miniature, heart-shaped padlock and followed her downstairs. When we met in our special place downstairs, I was excited, but I figured she knew what was going on. We kissed for a little while, which is always amazing. Then, I pulled my shorts down and she knew just what I wanted. She knelt at my feet and put my cock in her mouth. I love watching her suck on my dick because it fills her mouth all the way and sometimes she gags on it. Her eyes get all watery, but behind the tears is a sexy, "I want to fuck your brains out" look.  I also think that her kneeling at my feet with my cock in her mouth is an amazingly submissive position, especially when I grab her hair and force her head further down on my cock. I can't wait for the day when it slips down her throat. I know she thinks about it, and I love that she wants to buy a dildo when we get home so she can practice. It's that dedication to pleasing me that makes me know she's ready. 

When she's gotten my dick wet a little, I start to get the urge to eat her pussy a little. So, I pulled her up, cleared off the table, and had her pull her shorts down. I sat her on the edge of the table and put my mouth on her pretty pussy. It always tastes so good, even when she claims she's "unclean." She really does have a beautiful pussy. Some women are cursed with big "meat curtains" or other unsightly growths down there. Hers however, is perfect, especially when she's just shaven it. I flicked her clit around a little, and tried to finger her asshole a little. Her shorts got in the way, so I settled for touching her pussy lips. This whole time my cock was swollen to the point where it felt like it was going to burst. I was so hot thinking of what was coming next. I couldn't wait, so I pulled her off the table.

"Turn around and close your eyes," I said. She complied, and I started kissing her neck and touching her perfectly tight stomach. 

"Give me your string," I said. She complied again. She was so horny. She kept rubbing her ass on my throbbing cock, as though she couldn't wait for me to stuff her pussy with it. That would have to wait. I had more important things on my mind. 

As I fumbled to get the lock and key out of their plastic bag, I caught her with her eyes open. 

"I thought I said keep your eyes closed?" I challenged. She stuttered her way through an apology, and I considered not giving her what we both wanted and deserved. It took me only a second to decide to continue with my plans. I wanted this to be a special day. It was a special day. 

Finally, I got the padlock out, and I wrapped the string around her waist. I pulled the loops together, and put the tiny key into the lock and turned. It sprung open, defying its apparent old age, ready to be used again. I placed the two loops into the lock, and snapped it shut. The faint 'click' of the locking mechanism signified something more than most people would ever understand. She was now mine. She was no longer my girlfriend, or my companion, or my lover. I own her now. I am responsible for her safety, her well-being, and her future. I am not just an absentee land-lord, collecting the rent and never making the much-needed improvements around the house. I am there for her 24/7, as is she for me. There's no way to describe what it feels like to own someone else...not in the traditional definition of a slave...but in a way that you own not just the body, but the mind, heart, and soul as well. She belongs to me because she wants to. 

When I was done securing her temporary collar, I whispered in her ear, "This will serve as your collar until we get back." When she finally knew for sure what was happening, she exploded with a passionate, sensual kiss that had an indescribable fire behind it. It was clear that she was both happy and excited with my decision to collar her. 

She was also obviously turned on quite a bit. I decided to seal my conquest with a good forceful fuck. I bent her over, grabbed her by the hair and shoved my cock in her pussy. It was already dripping wet. She's so tight, but it didn't matter. While it felt good, I was determined not to cum until she had cum at least once. I started fucking her doggy style, using her hair to pull her body into my thrusts. I know she likes it fast, so I sped up, and told her I wanted her to cum. She came all over my dick shortly thereafter. It always feels so good when she cums, because she is already ridiculously tight. It only gets tighter when she cums, and it's so hard not to explode inside her. I held on, and decided I wanted her to cum again before I finished. We kept fucking, and she looked over her shoulder at me with this sexy look she gets. You can just see the ecstasy in her eyes. She looks almost drugged. She finally came again, so I started to slow down. I love fucking her nice and slow. I pulled all the way out and slowly slid my cock back inside her soaking wet, throbbing pussy. After a few strokes like that, I was ready to cum, and I told her so. I continued at that nice, slow pace until I was ready to explode in her pussy. It felt so good to cum inside her; it always does. She's so tight that any movement on my sensitive head feels amazing. I could feel the cum dripping out and falling to the floor; it wasn't the first time we left our signature on the carpet after we fucked in that room, and it won't be the last. I pulled back a little, and my dick popped free. Since she's such a considerate little slut, she knelt down and cleaned me off with her mouth. It felt so good to have her slowly wash my cock with her mouth. I was already very sensitive, and her mouth only makes it better. I wished I had more cum to deposit in her mouth. 

We cleaned up, and she rubbed my back for a little. She's such a good girl. I love her so much. I think this is going to turn out very well. :).

Rebirth

So, I get a new chance to be myself. After my marriage failed miserably, I figured I wouldn't find a girl that actually liked the whole D/s thing. I assumed I was destined to live a very plain, vanilla lifestyle, and I was almost getting used to the idea.  However, I have recently discovered a diamond in the rough, if you will. I have known her for a long time now (well, a long time for me anyway) -- almost 2 years. We had a shaky start, but in the past few months things started to settle down. We found that we have a lot more in common than we thought we did. She doesn't match too well with my mask, but she is an incredible match for the face behind the mask. 

There is so much about her that drives me crazy, but mostly in a good way. She's open to almost anything in bed, and she's taking to her role as my submissive quite well. In fact, she got very upset when I suggested we go back to a vanilla relationship. That made me very happy. I was glad that she chose to be in this type of relationship and fought for it when she thought it was ending. I didn't tell her how much it meant at the time, but she'll figure it out when she reads this :P. 

Anyway, I'm starting this blog because I want to keep the lines of communication open, and I think it will be fun to look back at my feelings in a year or two and see not only how far I've come individually, but also how far we've come in our relationship.