Monday, October 5, 2009


I saw my daughter, Daphne, for the first time today. It was extremely surreal. She's 11 weeks old, and it is still extremely difficult for me to grasp that I'm a father. Even while I was holding her, it didn't sink in. Oddly, it didn't actually hit home until I watched the movie "Zombieland" with some friends tonight. It reminded me that, even when the world goes to shit, family is family. I think I have a harder time acknowledging this because I've never really had a family of my own. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't raised in an orphanage or anything. I just never got along with my stepmother and as soon as I turned 18, I left home and didn't look back. Even now, 8 years later, my contact with my family is limited to peripherals - my sister-in-law, my aunt, and my nephew.

Anyway, back to the point of today's discussion - Daphne. When I was a kid, I didn't have my father around, since he died when I was a baby. Some nights I would cry through the night wishing my dad would come and save me from my stepmother. While I don't think that kitten (Daphne's mother) would give Daphne a reason to cry for someone to take her away, I shudder when I think that I almost put her in that position. I almost let my bad relationship with kitten cost Daphne her relationship with her father.

So, last night, I went to kitten's apartment and was formally introduced to my 3 month old daughter. I've seen pictures before, and I caught a glimpse of her a few weeks ago, but last night/today was the first time I really interacted with her. She was fussy (duh, it was midnight and she was pissed at being woken up), but I was still trying to piece my feelings about the situation together. Then, kitten and I had sex. I'm not sure whether or not that was a good idea, but I think it was helpful. It helped me remember that we did have good times together, and that having her in my life, in whatever capacity, wouldn't be so bad. I barely slept all night, and neither did kitten. She was attending to Daphne all night, and her movements kept waking me up every half hour or so. I woke up in the morning and Daphne was starting to calm down. She was fun to play with for a little, but I realized exactly how awkward I am with babies. I don't know when to hold the head and when to pick them up or put them down. Let's just say it was an interesting few hours.

All in all, it was a big step forward for me. I think that I've finally accepted that she is my daughter, and I have a responsibility toward her, regardless of how I feel about her mother. Unfortunately, I won't get to see her very much since we live on different sides of the country, but I will make an effort to come see her until she's old enough to come see me. I guess this will make life just a little more interesting. :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Single again

So here we are. Ten months of time off from writing, and I find myself back here. I'm not sure what this is at this point other than an outlet for me to express myself. I have no drama, no thick plot to keep readers interested. My life is very plain jane, and yet I still feel restless. I guess I should cover in brief what has happened. I'll tell it as best I can, even though at times it may put me in a very negative light.

Last time I wrote, I was with my kitten. She was pregnant, and we were in Iraq waiting for our flight home. Now, I'm single and very focused. In December of 2008, we both flew home, and kitten moved into my apartment. She was very good to me. She tried so very hard to make me happy and deal with the extreme changes in her life - pregnancy, slavery, and career change. She was in the process of getting out of the Army, and she was already about three months pregnant when we got home. She had a lot to get used to, learning how to do things the way I liked and take care of me. I took care of her too, and things were first.

As time went on, the differences in our personalities started to show. Our Master/slave dynamic was good. We just didn't have the same sense of humor or interest in education. I am a bit sarcastic (thanks to my New Jersey roots), and she's very sweet and naive. Over time, I just started to drift apart from her. Her whole interest became the pregnancy, and I had other concerns than just the pregnancy. I understand that the baby was growing inside her, and she was going through many changes. I understand that her hormones were off the charts, and her body was growing and moving every day. How could she not become consumed by it? Unfortunately, she let things slip in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing all the blame on her, although that's exactly what this sounds like. Let me explain further...

There was a vast internal conflict that occurred inside me as the pregnancy developed. Being a Master with a pregnant kitten proved to be a very difficult combination. One one hand, I wanted to keep the discipline high and ensure that she kept doing things the way I wanted. On the other hand, she was pregnant with my child, and I wanted to make sure that I erred on the side of caution. If she was a little tired, I wouldn't want her to get up and clean. If she was nauseous, I wouldn't make her service me sexually. Our rituals started to die off. Everything that helped to remind us of our dynamic started peeling away until it was almost a vanilla relationship. I should have enforced the discipline more and maintained our relationship at the level it was in the beginning.

Unfortunately, I failed to swallow my sympathy, and it ended up ruining us. As each layer of M/s peeled away from our relationship, we were left with a very vanilla dynamic. The more the M/s facets began to disappear, the more I saw it as a vanilla relationship and I started to find things about kitten that I didn't like. I never noticed them before because I was always in control. I was always busy taking care of us and trying to train her. As my control slipped, I noticed these things more and more, and I did not utilize the most basic elements of our relationship - communication and control - to fix the situation.

Therefore, our breakup is completely my responsibility. I accept this, and I'm sorry kitten. I'm sorry for the pain you had to endure at my hand.