Sunday, October 4, 2009

Single again

So here we are. Ten months of time off from writing, and I find myself back here. I'm not sure what this is at this point other than an outlet for me to express myself. I have no drama, no thick plot to keep readers interested. My life is very plain jane, and yet I still feel restless. I guess I should cover in brief what has happened. I'll tell it as best I can, even though at times it may put me in a very negative light.

Last time I wrote, I was with my kitten. She was pregnant, and we were in Iraq waiting for our flight home. Now, I'm single and very focused. In December of 2008, we both flew home, and kitten moved into my apartment. She was very good to me. She tried so very hard to make me happy and deal with the extreme changes in her life - pregnancy, slavery, and career change. She was in the process of getting out of the Army, and she was already about three months pregnant when we got home. She had a lot to get used to, learning how to do things the way I liked and take care of me. I took care of her too, and things were first.

As time went on, the differences in our personalities started to show. Our Master/slave dynamic was good. We just didn't have the same sense of humor or interest in education. I am a bit sarcastic (thanks to my New Jersey roots), and she's very sweet and naive. Over time, I just started to drift apart from her. Her whole interest became the pregnancy, and I had other concerns than just the pregnancy. I understand that the baby was growing inside her, and she was going through many changes. I understand that her hormones were off the charts, and her body was growing and moving every day. How could she not become consumed by it? Unfortunately, she let things slip in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing all the blame on her, although that's exactly what this sounds like. Let me explain further...

There was a vast internal conflict that occurred inside me as the pregnancy developed. Being a Master with a pregnant kitten proved to be a very difficult combination. One one hand, I wanted to keep the discipline high and ensure that she kept doing things the way I wanted. On the other hand, she was pregnant with my child, and I wanted to make sure that I erred on the side of caution. If she was a little tired, I wouldn't want her to get up and clean. If she was nauseous, I wouldn't make her service me sexually. Our rituals started to die off. Everything that helped to remind us of our dynamic started peeling away until it was almost a vanilla relationship. I should have enforced the discipline more and maintained our relationship at the level it was in the beginning.

Unfortunately, I failed to swallow my sympathy, and it ended up ruining us. As each layer of M/s peeled away from our relationship, we were left with a very vanilla dynamic. The more the M/s facets began to disappear, the more I saw it as a vanilla relationship and I started to find things about kitten that I didn't like. I never noticed them before because I was always in control. I was always busy taking care of us and trying to train her. As my control slipped, I noticed these things more and more, and I did not utilize the most basic elements of our relationship - communication and control - to fix the situation.

Therefore, our breakup is completely my responsibility. I accept this, and I'm sorry kitten. I'm sorry for the pain you had to endure at my hand.


No comments: