It begins.

So, after a few weeks of B not being able to make up her mind about whom she wanted to be with, I finally just gave up. I said "fuck it" and told her I was making up her mind for her. After a few hours, she realized what had happened and what she had lost. She begged me to take her back, and we deleted her "crush" from our vocabulary. Since then, she has been much more attentive and far more maleable.

For the past few weeks, she has been complaining about having to be independent. You see, B hates having to be responsible for things like paying bills or making major decisions. It stresses her out, and she gets anxiety attacks. Her mom, however, has always told her not to rely on a man and to be more independent. She has never married and has always had to be independent, and she's trying to force her beliefs on her daughter. As we talked, I slowly eased her into the idea of being submissive. She was a lot more receptive than I originally thought. She loved the idea of giving me all her money and letting me pay all her bills. She also likes the idea of asking permission to do things and go places.

So, at this point she's a beginner, and I'm going to introduce her to FetLife tomorrow so she can start to explore her kinks and find out where she belongs in the community. I can't wait to help introduce her to the lifestyle and see how far I can get her to go. :)

Shaky Ground

Since I've been deployed (I left on 27 July 2010), I have had issues communicating home. Afghanistan as little to no infrastructure, especially outside the major cities. There is a cell network, and I swear I will never complain about AT&T again. Most calls are dropped, if they even connect at all. There is no voicemail, and a recent study conducted by my Soldiers showed that only about 25% of texts actually make it through (but they sure as hell charge you for it whether it got there or not). There are 20,000 people on Kandahar Airfield, which is where I've been until about a week ago. Those 20,000 people share only a few hundred computer terminals and phones to contact home. There tends to be a long line just to get a 30 minute phone call or 30 minutes online. Then, who knows if there will be a rocket attack while you're on the phone and then you have to get off and go to a bunker. Also, keep in mind that Kandahar is 8.5 hours ahead of Eastern time, which just makes communicating home even more awkward.

My point in this long ramble is to show how difficult communications back home can be for a deployed Soldier. Now, I realize some have it better than others, so if you're thinking, "I know someone who is in Afghanistan, and they call home every day", just stop. Combine this communication issue with my work schedule (6am-midnight), and you will start to get an idea of how often I was able to talk to B during the first few weeks of my deployment.

Recently, I've arrived at a much better base near the border of Pakistan. We have Combat Housing Units (CHUs) that are just little trailers that fit a bunk bed and some personal bags. While they may be small, they do have 2 key components to a good deployment - air conditioning and internet. My internet is fast enough now to do video chat on skype, but it comes at a hefty $130 a month per person (well worth it in my opinion). So now that I've been able to talk to B much more frequently, I've found out that she has filled the emotional void that created after I left by getting a crush on a guy friend of hers.

I'm not exactly sure how to handle the situation, because I have about 400 different emotions running through me, but I will outline as many as I can in the following posts as I sort through them all. For now, I need to go on a mission, so I will continue this when I get back.

Starting over, yet again

So, I'm starting over again. I feel like this is all part of an endless loop, but I know that as long as I learn from my mistakes, the cycle won't continue. I'm deployed again, to Afghanistan this time. This time it is much different for several reasons -

1) I am not here with my significant other, to whom I will refer from here on out as B.
2) The environment here is far more hostile than it was in Iraq. In my first week here we had some suicide bomber attacks and a few rocket attacks, one of which landed 2 tents over from mine. Luckily it was a dud and didn't detonate, but it was still a wakeup call.
3) B and I have been dating in a purely vanilla fashion since March. I'm still naturally dominant in the relationship, but we haven't formalized anything or discussed anything.

The following posts will be our path as I begin to introduce her to the lifestyle and see how it all plays out. I do feel that communication and honesty is important; however, I have always been the type to use the stairs at the pool so I can ease myself from the hot air to the cool water. I'm not one to just run and dive in. Anyone who has any experience in this lifestyle probably understands how many facets of it are contradictory to what is considered the social norm. Simply applying the paddles and charging up the defibrillator will, I think, provide a little more shock and awe than is necessary. So I will ease her into the pool and take my time, always vigilant for resistance or limits.

I hope you all enjoy the ride as much as I will.

Family

I saw my daughter, Daphne, for the first time today. It was extremely surreal. She's 11 weeks old, and it is still extremely difficult for me to grasp that I'm a father. Even while I was holding her, it didn't sink in. Oddly, it didn't actually hit home until I watched the movie "Zombieland" with some friends tonight. It reminded me that, even when the world goes to shit, family is family. I think I have a harder time acknowledging this because I've never really had a family of my own. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't raised in an orphanage or anything. I just never got along with my stepmother and as soon as I turned 18, I left home and didn't look back. Even now, 8 years later, my contact with my family is limited to peripherals - my sister-in-law, my aunt, and my nephew.

Anyway, back to the point of today's discussion - Daphne. When I was a kid, I didn't have my father around, since he died when I was a baby. Some nights I would cry through the night wishing my dad would come and save me from my stepmother. While I don't think that kitten (Daphne's mother) would give Daphne a reason to cry for someone to take her away, I shudder when I think that I almost put her in that position. I almost let my bad relationship with kitten cost Daphne her relationship with her father.

So, last night, I went to kitten's apartment and was formally introduced to my 3 month old daughter. I've seen pictures before, and I caught a glimpse of her a few weeks ago, but last night/today was the first time I really interacted with her. She was fussy (duh, it was midnight and she was pissed at being woken up), but I was still trying to piece my feelings about the situation together. Then, kitten and I had sex. I'm not sure whether or not that was a good idea, but I think it was helpful. It helped me remember that we did have good times together, and that having her in my life, in whatever capacity, wouldn't be so bad. I barely slept all night, and neither did kitten. She was attending to Daphne all night, and her movements kept waking me up every half hour or so. I woke up in the morning and Daphne was starting to calm down. She was fun to play with for a little, but I realized exactly how awkward I am with babies. I don't know when to hold the head and when to pick them up or put them down. Let's just say it was an interesting few hours.

All in all, it was a big step forward for me. I think that I've finally accepted that she is my daughter, and I have a responsibility toward her, regardless of how I feel about her mother. Unfortunately, I won't get to see her very much since we live on different sides of the country, but I will make an effort to come see her until she's old enough to come see me. I guess this will make life just a little more interesting. :)

Single again

So here we are. Ten months of time off from writing, and I find myself back here. I'm not sure what this is at this point other than an outlet for me to express myself. I have no drama, no thick plot to keep readers interested. My life is very plain jane, and yet I still feel restless. I guess I should cover in brief what has happened. I'll tell it as best I can, even though at times it may put me in a very negative light.

Last time I wrote, I was with my kitten. She was pregnant, and we were in Iraq waiting for our flight home. Now, I'm single and very focused. In December of 2008, we both flew home, and kitten moved into my apartment. She was very good to me. She tried so very hard to make me happy and deal with the extreme changes in her life - pregnancy, slavery, and career change. She was in the process of getting out of the Army, and she was already about three months pregnant when we got home. She had a lot to get used to, learning how to do things the way I liked and take care of me. I took care of her too, and things were good...at first.

As time went on, the differences in our personalities started to show. Our Master/slave dynamic was good. We just didn't have the same sense of humor or interest in education. I am a bit sarcastic (thanks to my New Jersey roots), and she's very sweet and naive. Over time, I just started to drift apart from her. Her whole interest became the pregnancy, and I had other concerns than just the pregnancy. I understand that the baby was growing inside her, and she was going through many changes. I understand that her hormones were off the charts, and her body was growing and moving every day. How could she not become consumed by it? Unfortunately, she let things slip in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing all the blame on her, although that's exactly what this sounds like. Let me explain further...

There was a vast internal conflict that occurred inside me as the pregnancy developed. Being a Master with a pregnant kitten proved to be a very difficult combination. One one hand, I wanted to keep the discipline high and ensure that she kept doing things the way I wanted. On the other hand, she was pregnant with my child, and I wanted to make sure that I erred on the side of caution. If she was a little tired, I wouldn't want her to get up and clean. If she was nauseous, I wouldn't make her service me sexually. Our rituals started to die off. Everything that helped to remind us of our dynamic started peeling away until it was almost a vanilla relationship. I should have enforced the discipline more and maintained our relationship at the level it was in the beginning.

Unfortunately, I failed to swallow my sympathy, and it ended up ruining us. As each layer of M/s peeled away from our relationship, we were left with a very vanilla dynamic. The more the M/s facets began to disappear, the more I saw it as a vanilla relationship and I started to find things about kitten that I didn't like. I never noticed them before because I was always in control. I was always busy taking care of us and trying to train her. As my control slipped, I noticed these things more and more, and I did not utilize the most basic elements of our relationship - communication and control - to fix the situation.

Therefore, our breakup is completely my responsibility. I accept this, and I'm sorry kitten. I'm sorry for the pain you had to endure at my hand.

Sahib

Two More Days

My kitten and I will finally be reunited in two days or so. I know she is excited, and I sure as hell am. We have been separated for far too long, even though lately we have had some decent time online to talk via yahoo im. I feel bad when we talk because while she is dealing with fun stuff like morning sickness and cramps and cravings for nasty foods, I am here relaxing all day. Granted, I have plenty of things I am trying to take care of in preparation for our return, but that's my job as kitten's Owner. kitten is trying to deal with her job as my slave AND providing a nice warm cocoon for my baby to grow. Granted, an argument could be made that, as my slave, bearing my child is inherent in her job if I want her to perform that service for me; however, I recognize it is an extremely difficult task. 

I have given kitten an additional task lately - she must flirt with any male that initiates conversation with her. I have many reasons for giving her this task, and some I don't want to list here, but a big one is that it gets me off knowing that these guys are going to think they have a chance with my kitten. They will talk for awhile, get teased into thinking they're getting some, and then go home and fantasize about fucking her. My kitten is very beautiful, and it's very exhilarating knowing that so many other men want her, and she's not my girlfriend...not my "friend with benefits"...but my slave...my property. kitten doesn't like these terms very much, but whether I say kitten or slave or property, it all means the same thing - she is mine. 

kitten has done a very good job in accepting her role as my slave since I last wrote. Previously, I wrote about her struggles with giving up her identity as "K", the woman who felt like she needed to be empowered and strong, and accepting her role as my kitten. she had some issues for a few days or so, but since then, she has transitioned quite smoothly. I'm actually very proud of her. 

Back From Hiatus...The Long Road Home

WE'RE GOING HOME!!! 15 months is almost over. It would have been rather bittersweet for me had I not met kitten, but now it's the only thing I've thought about for the past few months. We have been apart for about 2 weeks now, and it's been terrible. 

I don't show it much to kitten, but it's killing me. I stay in my room all day waiting for her to come online so I can talk to her. Typically, as soon as I have to leave to go eat, she comes online. It would be nice to talk on the phone or something, but that's not possible right now. Our conversations are like drinking ocean water when you're thirsty - it seems like I'm quenching my desire to talk, but after she leaves, I only want more. Is that "un-domly" (totally not a word) of me? I don't give a crap. I miss my kitten. 

We recently got told that we were going home two days later than we thought, so that sucks. I have changed my counter to reflect the new, shittier countdown. On the bright side, we will get to see each other in Kuwait soon. I'm going to try my hardest to get us some alone time, and perhaps another trip to the portapotty (check out her blog for a story about our first portapotty adventure). It may seem gross to you, but seriously, at this point, not much grosses me out anymore. I've driven through streets that were flooded not with water, as you would think, but shit. It's so deep that sometimes, if you drive fast enough, you can get it to wash up over the top of the truck and splash on the poor gunner's face. My lieutenant managed to fall, face-first, into a shit river. We have seen much worse than a portapotty. So, before you judge us, remember perspective. The portapotty is the only place we can be alone and private, if even just for a few minutes. You forget about the smell when you're desperate. Anyway, enough about the portapotty.

Back From Hiatus...We're Pregnant

kitten is pregnant. That's probably our biggest development since I took my break from writing. she should be about 8 weeks right now, but we're not exactly sure when she conceived. Unfortunately, she can't get seen by a doctor right now, because it would raise too many red flags. People would connect the dots and fingers would get pointed...mostly at me. Fortunately, we are done with work and on our way home. kitten has no real strenuous activity other than working out once a day. she's going to JAG (Army lawyers) tomorrow actually to see how far the Army can pry into her business to figure out the identity of the father. If they can't dig into it, that's great news for us. she can get seen by Army doctors as soon as we get home. If they can dig into it, that sucks hair goat balls. That makes things 1000 times more difficult, but we'll manage. 

she is being a typical girl about it all and getting more and more excited by the minute. she often floods me with "what if" questions (which I hate) and speculations on what sex the baby will be (male) or how much hair it will have on its head when it comes out of the womb (full head). Apparently, if you have cravings for sour cream when you're pregnant, it means you're having a boy. Where people get this stuff is beyond me. I'm all for knowing the sex of the baby, but I'm sure medical science has come far enough along to make the sour cream gender test all but obsolete. When the time is right, we will find out the sex, so we can pick out a name and start getting appropriate clothes, toys, etc. 

When she first told me she was pregnant, I was not convinced she would stay that way. kitten had some damage to her fallopian tubes, and she was told by doctors she may need surgery in order to conceive. I did not want to get attached at first, because she is a prime candidate for a miscarriage; however, the idea of having a baby with kitten is growing on me. First of all, knowing she is carrying my baby is extremely hot and turns me on to no end. I can't wait to fuck my pregnant kitten. Also, knowing that she was not supposed to be able to conceive and she was on birth control when she got pregnant is an extreme ego boost to me. A little secret about me: I have larger than average testicles. I didn't believe the first few girls that told me, but I believe it now :). 

Since I have about 7 more months to talk about the pregnancy, I'll end this post here.

Back From Hiatus...The Divorce

I am a married man but not to my kitten. Some may see that as a despicable, but it is what it is. My wife gave up on our marriage shortly after a great 3 week vacation in Las Vegas during our R&R from Iraq (my wife is also a deployed soldier, in the same battalion as me and my kitten). 

Here's a little backstory on my brief marriage. I met my wife on yahoo personals shortly after ending the worst, and longest, relationship I have ever had. The Army was moving me to El Paso, and I used the move to my advantage. I ditched the bitch, and found a local girl to show me around. Well, she sure showed me a good time that first night. Apparently, she thought I was hot and that she would never get a second date, so she decided to fuck me while she had the chance. I have to admit, she was good. She did some things on our first night that I had never done before, which blew my mind because I thought I was freaky back then. If only I knew then what potential I had :P. Anyway, we had a great week, and I got the great idea to propose to this girl. She accepted, and a week later we were in the courthouse, watching the decrepit judge drool on our marriage certificate (I have video of it if you don't believe me). 

Things went great, so I thought anyway. Of course we had different opinions on things, and she quickly ceded to my decisions. She was a naturally submissive wife. Her parents, a Mexican and an Iranian, had taught her to submit to her husband. So, while I communicated my problems, she bottled hers up. She didn't want to start fights with me, so she kept it inside. Eventually, about a year later, it all came exploding out in the form of, "I want a divorce." We were apart at the time (I was in Interrogator school in Salt Lake City), so I flew her to me. We talked it out, and I convinced her we should try harder. She admitted she was bottling things up, so we both promised to talk to each other more. Apparently, promises are meant to be broken. 

Fast forward another year, and we were getting ready to deploy. We started off strong, having had a solid 5 months together with no problems at all. A few months after we deployed, I discovered this whole community of people who have similar feelings about relationships as I do. In fact, most of these people were more extreme than me. Sweet! Well, apparently not so sweet. In fact, it was so not sweet that it was actually Divorce Threat #2. Somehow, with my wondrous oratory skills, I managed to convince her not only to not divorce me, but to try being my sub. I mean, she was already a very submissive wife, it wasn't a huge step. So, we tried it. In doing so, I found out that my wife of 2 years (at the time) was a freak. She opened up to me that she was really very slutty before we got married, and that she didn't tell me because she thought I would think less of her. If she only knew. I love a good slut. She had done some things that I would seriously have some issues doing, even if drunk (long story short, sex on a 10 minute ride in an amusement park, while sharing a car with another couple). 

So, we tried the D/s thing, and it went ok. Well, I thought it was going fantastic. We were communicating; we were trusting each other. Life was good. Really good. Her parents were having some financial problems (like always) so we gave them $20,000 to bail them out of debt and keep them off the streets. Her parents were like my parents at that time, so I had no problem helping them out. I felt like it was what a son should do. Then, she showed signs of not being interested in D/s anymore. She reacted pretty negatively to a lot of the ideas she was running across in the research she was doing. She hated the idea of slavery, and hoped I would never want that. Eventually, it died. She stopped wearing her collar, but I transitioned rather smoothly. I desperately wanted my marriage to work. I watched our D/s relationship receive it's fatal wound and left it bleeding on the side of the road while I sped up trying to keep up with my wife. Soon after that, we left for R&R. Things were still good. We had managed to keep the communication and trust from our recently deceased D/s relationship. Wait, no, that's just what I thought. Apparently, she thought differently because just as we were leaving to go on R&R, she dropped Divorce Threat #3. I was shocked...again. We talked a lot. Again. We talked some more. She decided we'd give it another shot. So, we flew home to El Paso, and then to Las Vegas. We originally planned to stay for 6 days, and we had so much fun we stayed for 10. For those who have been to Vegas, we stayed at the Venetian in a very nice suit. It was such a great time. We had fun, took some crazy pictures, and (best of all) pushed any silly idea of divorce off a cliff. The only symptom that something was wrong was the lack of sex. We usually got teased by all our rabbit friends for having sex a lot, and I think we had sex maybe 3 times the whole time we were there. At the time, I attributed it to us being tired. So, all in all, we spent about $15,000 of our deployment money on our trip. Usually, I'm a bit more frugal, but I wanted to go all out so we would have a great time. 

Now, at that time, our plans for the future were to get out of the Army after the deployment, go back to El Paso, and settle down. I would breed English Bulldogs, and she would go back to the Police Department. In order to set these plans in stone, we started looking at houses near her parents' house. We even bought a $4,000 Bulldog puppy in order to get the business started. We flew back to Iraq. Everything was great again. Wait...damnit! Wrong again. Divorce Threat #4 came about a week after we got back, except this time it wasn't a threat. It was the real deal. She had a different tone in her voice, and I knew she was serious. I barely tried to fight it; I simply made sure she knew it was what she wanted. 

So, that takes us to August of this year. The great state of Texas only requires 61 days between filing for divorce and actually getting divorced. So, my wife, who wanted the divorce, did all the paperwork. I filled out what I needed to, but she took care of the rest. The court date was set for 14 Nov 08. We were supposed to be divorced. Well, somehow she fucked it up, and didn't get the right paperwork done. She also needed a lawyer, and not just her mom with a power of attorney. So, she has to wait until we go home for Christmas to finalize the divorce. I didn't find this out until 15 Nov. So, the whole time I was with kitten, I thought I would be divorced when we got back from Iraq. This is significant because I can get in big trouble through the Army if I'm "cheating" on my "spouse." 

Of course, how would they be able to prove I am sleeping with kitten? I guess one way would be if she got pregnant with my child...

Back From Hiatus...Intro

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote here. The sad thing is, I've had plenty of time to write lately, but I just haven't been in the mood. I blame FetLife for consuming way too much of my time. Actually, I've really been trying very hard to prepare myself for the tremendous transition kitten and I are about to go through. If you've been following along, you know that kitten and I are currently deployed, and our relationship is a secret to everyone (except you guys...shhhh...don't tell anyone). Since it's a secret, we have to be discrete with our expressions, kitten with her service, and me with my dominance over her. Somehow, we have managed despite our obstacles. In fact, I would say we have flourished. Since I've written last, so much has happened. I will break this post up into a few different parts, just so I can keep it organized in my head. Although my kitten has her own blog, which she is much more diligent with (partly due to her requirement to write in it), I will catch you up as best I can with at least the major details.